honest – Our Daycation Life

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2 months old. That’s how old my baby was on 19th March when we had to self isolate due to us all having a persistent cough: a virus symptom. During our isolation, on 23rd March a national lockdown began with no idea of when we can see our families and friends again. So here are my feelings about this situation and my thought process.

I’m worried people won’t love my baby as much as my toddler. As heartbreaking as that sounds, it’s even more heartbreaking to think because it’s true. I am genuinely worried that people won’t love my baby as much as they love our other son. I’m worried that he’s not able to bond with anyone and they’re not able to bond with him. I’m grateful for social media and for family etc to be able to see what he’s up to, but they can’t physically see him and he can’t see them and it tears me apart thinking how much time is slipping away. I ask myself how can they love him just as much without having this time with him, to see his changes and development and to be the reason behind his smiles and laughter. I can’t stop crying about it: in the bath and at night. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about these feelings because they might just tell me I’m being stupid or something. Of course you can love someone unconditionally without really knowing them, but is unconditional love enough? What about a love that’s built on memories, moments, a bond…..? I want that for my baby and as a mother I should be exposing him to opportunities for this and I can’t. It’s a feeling that physically hurts in my chest when I think about it.

I’m also anxious that my baby’s development will be delayed. Will his social skills suffer? Will he lack confidence? Will he struggle in social gatherings? Will he be cautious of new people? Will he struggle to make friends? Will he trust people? Will he be happy in the company of other people? Will meeting people make him uncomfortable? Will he find it difficult to build relationships – to love and trust people?

So many questions and no answers. People may think they know the answers, but reality is that nobody could possibly know the affect this will have on my baby. It’s not happened before. People can’t time travel. We are in uncharted territory at the moment and as a mum I worry about the impact it’s having on my baby, much more than my toddler who has already developed such skills in this area. It’s only when you have a newborn baby at home with you that you realise how much they take in every day and how everything affects them. Yes he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on in the world, but for him this is normal and that very idea is what terrifies me. His normality is a far cry from our usual, every-day lives as a family. Will he adjust ok when things change for him? I have no idea.

I feel robbed of our time together, just him and I. His older brother should be in pre-school 3 days a week now. This is a reason we waited for this age gap so I could have time one-to-one with him, just like my eldest son had. I had so many plans for the baby groups and play dates we should be attending and memories we should be making- as just a mother and her son. I feel like I’m grieving for those lost moments because although we will have some when this is all over, we would have already lost so much time and experiences we were meant to have together. I’m trying to take the positive from it being that the two boys now have the opportunity to form such a lovely and strong bond together, but I still feel guilt that I can’t give my baby all of me throughout some of the days.

So those are my confessions: brutal and honest. My head and my heart are hurting right now and I’m locked in a battle with myself about what kind of mum I’m supposed to be to my baby. I’m keeping him safe, which is the most important thing, but what is the sacrifice? None of us really know yet.

What does Instagram mean to me?

There’s a question I’ve been made to think about recently. Unfortunately like other “influencers” I have finally faced some criticism about my use of Instagram. I knew it was going to happen at some point and after building my page for almost 3 years I felt emotionally prepared for it. What I wasn’t prepared for though was that the criticism came from those who should be some of our biggest supports. Apparently not, and that’s actually so sad. So after being told by people you love that they don’t agree with you blogging, you find time to think about why you blog and why your Instagram page is so important to you. So here goes…

Top 5 reasons why I run our Instagram page:

To make, keep, support and love my insta mum friends.
To support small businesses and shop small.
To share my own personal and honest opinions and experiences as well as read those of other people and broaden my perspective.
To review items and share honest reviews with other mums.
To provide my boys with experiences and things that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to provide for them as a stay at home mum.

First things first: my top reasons above for running my page now are different to the one reason I set the page up in the first place: because of my love for traditional and vintage baby clothes that I couldn’t get on the high street. This is of course still one of my reasons for using Instagram, but as my page has developed (and my stash of traditional baby clothes has grown), my top reasons feel more important now.

So let’s talk about reason 1: friends.

Mum friends are priceless. Nobody gets you or understands you quite like a friend who is experiencing these things with you. Once you become a mum your whole existence revolves around you child(ren) and your life becomes a new challenge you’re not sure how to face: cue Mum friends. They feel you, they know it, they sympathise, they advise, they laugh things off with you, they reassure you, they are your biggest cheerleaders. Because we are one big team on this journey called motherhood and if you want to talk about your baby’s poop – your mum friends are there!

Instagram has connected me with so many wonderful mum friends: many of whom I feel I can talk to about anything and we chat without judgment. How lucky am I to “meet” such great friends that I never would have crossed paths with if it wasn’t for Instagram. We support each other, make each other laugh, rant together, tell each other when we are over reacting, pick each other up, are honest about disagreements and we are always there.

That right there is mainly why I use my Instagram page as I do – to connect with these mums.

Reason 2 is also very important to me: to support small businesses. This became an unintentional habit as I shopped for traditional clothing for Otis as a baby. But that habit soon turned into a passion and now if I need something I always ask myself if I can get it from a small business first before automatically going to a big brand. Because the difference my money makes to the family behind that small business is huge.

The criticism I have faced has mainly been a result of reason 3: to openly blog about my own personal opinions and experiences. However blogging is a great outlet for me and it helps me keep a diary of my children’s development and experiences. As well as that, blogging allows me to connect with like-minded mums; and also some mums with different opinions too that I equally love to read about (see reason 1 above). I think that in a world where social media is important, blogging is a vital part of that media. And when you blog, there’s no point writing anything if you’re not going to be open and honest with your thoughts. You can’t please everyone so what’s the point in trying.

I like to discuss things that are good to share perspectives on. I have chosen never to blog about breastfeeding Vs bottle feeding, baby immunisations or not, baby ear piercing, rear/forward-facing car seats, cry it out parenting etc. I choose my content carefully and none of my posts are created to “mum shame”. We are all one big team, despite our differences (again, see reason 1).

Reasons 4 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. As our page has grown we have unintentionally fallen into the “influencer” title. Unfortunately it’s a title that has been given negative associations, but actually so much good comes from social media influencing. For a start, advertising and marketing is bloody expensive. We are talking outrageous costs to get products seen on billboards, TV, radio etc. So many brands, big and small, spend their marketing budgets on social media influencing instead because it makes sense from a financial point of view: they get advertising, photos, videos, exposure reviews… often for just the cost price of a product, which is a lot less than the retail price. At the same time mums and families are given products that they may not be able to afford to buy, or even items they wouldn’t have usually tried but then end up loving. As well as this as influencers we get to write real and honest reviews, to advise and give tips to other mums about new products on the market that they may find useful. We don’t review things we are unhappy with. We don’t make up positive reviews for the sake of having something for free, businesses want genuine reviews and feedback of their products. Yes of course it’s nice to get a gift once in a while, but there’s so much more to the whole process.

So that’s pretty much it really – that is why I love running our Instagram page as I do and why I will continue to do so. It’s not there to judge people, to mum shame, to think I’m better than anyone, to show off or to just get freebies…… if you know me, truly know who I am, you will respect why I run our page so proudly and why it’s so important to me and support us with it.

Tag: honest

The honest confessions of a mum with a newborn during lockdown