I’m a failure as a mum

That’s what my brain keeps telling me at the moment. No matter how many people tell me I’m not, there’s no louder voice than the one in my head. And it’s reminding me numerous times a day that I’ve failed at the one thing I wanted to be: a good mummy.

This is my end goal – motherhood. It’s exactly what I ever wanted and dreamed about. So many years of my life were spent planning what kind of mother I will be and here I am, with 2 amazing boys, feeling like I’ve failed them. One has a broken collarbone and the other one has been so poorly with a viral infection he ended up in the children’s hospital. I failed to protect them. I failed to keep them safe. I failed at the most important part of my job description and it hurts.

Yes I know sometimes these things can’t be helped.

Yes I know that’s it’s not my fault.

Yes I know that I’ve been a good mum.

BUT none of that seems to matter to the little voice in my head right now. That voice is telling me: this might have been helped, if I did X, Y and Z maybe it wouldn’t have happened, it doesn’t matter how much of a good mum I’ve been before, I still wasn’t good enough this time.

I’m spending my days bobbing up and down on waves of emotion. I can be so happy one minute: playing with the boys, all 3 of us laughing. BUT then that little voice steals the moment and just like that I’m cry I again. The voice reminds me I have no right to be happy because they’ve been hurting and I should have protected them. I should have stopped Otis from running. I should have caught him. I should have used more hand gel whilst sorting through the shopping. I should have bathed Eddison every night. I should, I should, I should…….

I’m well aware that this rollercoaster I feel I’m on is a sign of depression. In fact I’m well aware that the feelings of being an inadequate mother, knowing my boys deserve better is a typical sign of post-natal depression. But I don’t have a new baby so instead this feeling is labelled as “mum guilt” and my goodness mum guilt is the most torturous thing in the world. When I say torture I really mean torture, a mental and emotional kind.

So here it comes, the apologies I feel I need to make:

I’m sorry Otis and Eddison that I’ve failed at being a mum. I’m sorry husband that I have no energy for anything. I’m sorry everyone that I’m not myself. I’m sorry I’m making no effort with anyone. I’m sorry I’m not replying to or even reading all my messages. I’m sorry I can’t shrug this off as I usually would.

This is just how I’m feeling right now. It’s not ok, but it is understandable and I think because I can understand why I feel like this, I’m going to be ok.

The art of getting my own way!

My week beginning 9th July 2018


What kind of adults buy a pool that looks like a boat, but isn’t actually a boat?! After donning my perfect captain’s outfit and pulling the best poses in my “boat”, I still couldn’t sail away. Disappointing adults!


Saw some bigger girls playing football today. Walked straight up to them to introduce myself and join in. They kept kicking the ball to me. I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with this World Cup malarkey, it’s not like playing football is hard. All you do is smile at people and they pass you the ball. Easy!


I had my first Continue reading “The art of getting my own way!”

You know your life has a new meaning when you ride a unicorn!


It’s official, I’m a star! Today I hit 1,000 followers on Instagram and apparently this is pretty cool. I’d like to thank each and every one of my followers for their support and appreciation of my cheeky attempts to push my adults over the edge. I’d also like to thank my adults for their inability to keep a straight face when I do something “wicked” and for always picking up my food from the floor. I thank my cats; Precious for letting me cuddle her and randomly pull her tail and Belle for keeping her distance and allowing me to remain in charge of the house. Cheers to the next 1,000 of you legends!


Tried out my best stunt man skills today at playgroup. I saw my friend Arthur was just about to go down the water slide so I walked up and stood still at the bottom. In perfect timing, down he came straight into my legs. I ended up laying on top of him and we created a sandwich. It was so awesome that I cried with excitement!


Found a new challenge today – Continue reading “You know your life has a new meaning when you ride a unicorn!”

Channelling my inner artist with the use of yoghurt!

My week beginning 25th June 2018


Mummy has got me this new chunky knit blanket and a cushion to match.  Well she said it was a cushion, but Daddy confused me when she came downstairs and he told her that I “love playing with that new yellow ball”.  Mummy was not impressed and ruined my fun!


Mummy took me to the country park today to meet my Instagram friend Arthur for the first time.  He’s so cool and he has amazing hair. He’s my new role model. I hope that when I grow up I will have hair as amazing as his.


Best. Day. Ever!!! I found a stray Continue reading “Channelling my inner artist with the use of yoghurt!”

Deckchairs: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine!

My week beginning 18th June 2018


It’s Monday. It’s England’s first game of the World Cup. Daddy and I are having a boys’ night in watching the footy. Mummy is going out shopping to run some errands. Good job really, she probably doesn’t understand the offside rule and I’m not going to explain that one to her now!


Mummy and I went to hang out with my friends today at playgroup. She put me in the swing and pushed me, I’m glad she knows her place. After a while she tried to take me out so I showed her my disgust by having a tantrum. She found it funny. Yes woman, at the moment it may be funny and cute, but let’s see how you feel about it in six months time! 👍🏼

Wednesday Continue reading “Deckchairs: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine!”

Yay for magic rainbow flowers!

My week beginning 28th May 2018


I was actually super impressed by my adults today. They took me to soft play, but not your usual soft play…… it was a baby rave! Soft play, disco lights and music…. Continue reading “Yay for magic rainbow flowers!”